Quoting Adam Borowski (kilobyte@???):

> Back in 2002, I made a pictorial HOWTO wrt dealing with Wintendo-only
> modems: https://angband.pl/fun/winmodem/ -- as you can see, they can be a
> tough nut to crack. This HOWTO hasn't lost a bit of its value.

You da man!

Back in the 1990s, I was writing stuff like
http://linuxmafia.com/~rick/faq/modems.html#winmodem .

(Also from the same page, even before I got to the bit about winmodems:
Q:  I'm having problems with my internal PC modem. Will you help me? 
A:  Yes: Your internal modem, if roasted and ground sufficiently finely,
    will make surprisingly strong espresso. [...])