I wanted to kill myself over Bitcoinica. It was a very bad moment...

On 28/08/14 14:11, Jason King wrote:
> For over a week now, I’ve been trying to write a year in review piece
> for Satoshi Forest. The words, which usually just flow like a spigot
> when I’m passionate about something, seem to just dribble out. And what
> little eeks by is hardly print worthy. Maybe it’s just writer’s block?
> Writer’s block happens. Or maybe I’m not as passionate about Satoshi
> Forest as I used to be?
>
> But, I am passionate about Satoshi Forest, perhaps more than I ever have
> been. And writer’s block, if it is the culprit, cannot explain why I
> haven’t responded to Elizabeth Ploshay’s ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, in a
> timely fashion. I guess I’ll have to donate now. You see it’s not just
> the Satoshi Forest year in review, it’s everything. Emails from friends
> I haven’t responded to, phone calls I let go to voicemail, new endeavors
> at Sean’s Outpost I let sit unannounced
> (http://blockchain.satoshiforest.com/). And then it hits me. I’ve been
> here before.
>
> I’m really depressed.
>
> And it seems to be going around.
>
> Since the tragic suicide of Robin Williams, four (4) people close to me
> have also tried to kill themselves. One succeeded. An anecdotal survey
> of my friends has seen an equal uptick in the number of people talking
> about or attempting suicide. It’s been really disturbing.
>
> In the preparations for the Bitcoin in the Beltway conference this past
> June, I had one of the more surreal conversations of my life. An east
> coast sales director for Marriott called me wanting to know if bitcoin
> was linked to suicide. They had heard of the tragic death of Autumn
> Radtke in March
> (http://nypost.com/2014/03/06/bitcoin-firm-ceo-jumped-to-her-death-neighbor/)
> and were concerned about hosting a conference for a technology that was
> making people kill themselves. I was sure he was joking. He was not. The
> conversation I had with him must have allayed his fears. #BitcoinBeltway
> went great, can’t wait to do it again next year.
>
> Obviously, bitcoin does not cause suicide. And while we are quick to
> sticky a “suicide prevention hotline” when the price crashes, bitcoin is
> not causing depression. What we may want to look into is something that
> is not bitcoin related, but more something that comes part and parcel
> with “bitcoiners”.
>
> The woes of entrepreneurship and startup culture.
>
> Being an entrepreneur is fucking hard. Really hard. Most people don’t
> even attempt it.
>
> It might not feel that way to you, but likely that’s because you
> surround yourself with other entrepreneurs. Your friends work at
> startups. Your trips are to startup conferences and conventions. Your
> news feed is r/bitcoin and hacker news. You are firmly in the echo chamber.
>
> Most people will never try and build a product or company. So most
> people will never experience what it is like to fear you won’t make
> payroll and someone else will not be able to pay their rent because of you.
>
> Most people will never know how difficult it is to raise money. To get
> someone else to believe in you enough to open their checkbook and
> support you financially. The hours you spend and the mental strain that
> comes from hearing “No” again and again and again. And if you get a
> “Yes” the pressure doesn’t dissipate! It increases! Now it’s your crazy
> idea and someone elses money you’re responsible for.
>
> Being an entrepreneur is really hard.
>
> And we are really hard on ourselves. We are afraid to show any weakness.
> Because we’ve been taught being weak or vulnerable is to be shunned. If
> someone asks you how your company is doing “We’re killing. it.” probably
> comes off your lips before you’ve even processed the question.
>
> It is statistically impossible for everyone to always be “killing it”.
>
> But ask at your next mixer or meetup and almost everyone will be
> “killing it”.
>
> And that pressure to succeed, to perform, to win is immense. And I think
> that pressure may be even worse in bitcoin.
>
> Not to everyone, but to a lot of bitcoin early adopters, and especially
> to a lot of early bitcoin entrepreneurs, bitcoin is a promise. A glimpse
> of a better world free from the inequalities brought by our legacy
> financial system. So if you fail in bitcoin, it is easy to feel that you
> are failing on that promise too.
>
> I’ve felt that way. Felt that if I screw up I am screwing it up for
> every non-profit and charity. That they will somehow not get the
> benefits of bitcoin because I failed. I see it in others. Just a week
> ago at #Cryptolina I talked with a group of brilliant entrepreneurs who
> were convinced that if they didn’t beat an incumbent payment solution to
> market, they had lost the war. And that whole segment of the market
> would NEVER benefit from cryptocurrency.
>
> Being a bitcoin entrepreneur is hard.
>
> And I don’t have the answers to how to deal with all the pressure and
> depression that come from doing what we do. But I have learned a couple
> of things and maybe someone else that is experiencing depression or
> having dark thoughts can read this and gain some value from what I’ve
> learned. And even better, maybe someone that has dealt with depression
> in the past can riff on what I’ve said and provide some insight into how
> they cope.
>
> 1) You are not alone.
>
> When you are depressed, it seems like everyone else has it all together
> and you are the anomaly. That’s not true. They probably don’t have their
> shit together either. And everyone has problems we don’t see. Everyone.
>
> Some of the greatest entrepreneurs and investors of all time have had
> brutal fights with depression and suicidal thoughts.
>
> READ:
>
> http://www.inc.com/magazine/201309/jessica-bruder/psychological-price-of-entrepreneurship.html
>
> 2) Bitcoin needs you and it doesn’t need you. And that’s ok.
>
> Bitcoin needs you. It really does. But it doesn’t need only you, it
> needs all of us. You are not the single point of failure. Bitcoins
> success is just a decentralized as the blockchain. So give yourself a
> break. It’s ok to make mistakes and it’s ok to fail. It’s even ok to
> fail spectacularly.
>
> Think back to how many times bitcoin has been declared dead. How many
> times has the price crashed? How many times has a major bitcoin
> institution been corrupted/hacked/found to be a scam?
>
> And yet, here we are. An you are here too.
>
> 3) It is ok to ask for help.
>
> This is hard to learn. We come from a self sufficient culture. And if
> you ask for help, people will realize that you are not as awesome as
> they thought you were...BULLSHIT. Asking for help has ZERO bearing on
> how awesome a person you are. In fact, your friends WANT TO HELP YOU.
> Being there for you in a moment of crisis is something your friends are
> probably really down for. But if you ignore them or won’t tell them you
> are having problems it is really difficult for them to help. Talk to
> someone. If all else fails you can always call…
>
> THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
>
> I know all of this might not make a difference. When you are caught up
> in your head in the middle of a depressive episode nothing seems to
> help. Try to find something that you can concentrate on just to get you
> thru the worst of it. For me, I go play with my kids. It helps me.
> Sometimes more than others.
>
> If you are feeling down, try to talk to someone. And if you see someone
> feeling down, try to lend a supportive ear.
>
> Bitcoin needs you alive.
>
>
>
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